Should we be pressured to have children?

As a woman, I often feel pressured by various women figures in my personal life to have children. Before about a year ago, I was 100% sure I wanted children, I knew how many I wanted and I thought I had it all planned out. However, recently with more people around me having children I have realised how much you have to give up, and quite frankly I'm not sure I want to give certain things up. I'm only 20, surely I'm allowed to be selfish and go out when I want, order pizza when I want, spend too much money on clothes and not have to worry? Well, when you enter parenthood that changes, you have someone else to look after, it's not all about you any more. And don't get me wrong, I love children. I have 4 nephews and a niece and I love them to pieces. But I'm not that sure I want one of my own any time soon. 

That being said, I have realised the immense pressure women are put under to have children when they are in a long term relationship. 

I'm quite open in my views, I don't think everyone should believe the same as me. But I have my own opinions and I'm proud of them and if someone asks my opinion I'm quite open to saying it. So, when I said I wasn't sure I wanted children, to be told "you have to have children, you can't have a life without them" I was taken aback. 

Surely, it's my body, my life and my relationship with my partner. Surely no one else should be allowed to say whether or not you can or can't have children. Surely, it's down to you and your circumstances? 

I believe that having a child out of pure want, with no way of supporting them isn't right. And surely having a child just because you think babies are cute, or because you don't want your partner to leave you isn't right either? And surely having a child just because you want someone to look after you when you're old isn't right?  Babies turn into toddlers, toddlers turn into children, children turn into teenagers and teenagers turn into adults. All along the way, these tiny humans have rights, feelings and needs. 

Personally, right now it would be silly for me to have a child. Sometimes I think I would love children, I love my partner and have a lot of care in my body to love a tiny human. But alas, I am a student nurse, living in a bedroom in a house with other adults, I have no money due to being a student, I'm selfish, and I'm not married (not that you need to be married to have children it's just my own view). It would be selfish of me to have a baby right now just because babies are cute and because I feel like I need to fit in with all my other peers who are having children at a young age. 

I think what I'm trying to say, is that no one should tell anyone whether they can or cannot have children. You only get one life, and you're living it right now. Instead of worrying about what others think of you, and whether they want you to lead a certain life, just live your life how you want to. I can't think of anything worse than laying in bed when I'm old saying " I wish I had done...". I want to lay in bed saying "I'm glad I...". And I think this applies to all aspects of life, not just having children. 


That's all for today, I think I've added enough controversy to the internet for today. 
Bye! x 

Hello third year!

So I have just finished my first week of my third year. I honestly never thought I would get this far. 2 years ago I started my journey as a student nurse and it's very surreal that I am a third year student nurse. It has gone so incredibly quick and I know this last year will go quickly and I'll be writing my goodbye student living blog post! 

After already having my first third year breakdown I know this year is going to be tough. On top of being away from home, which I always hate, working and trying to keep up with all the work I am trying to stay positive. But it's all so overwhelming. 

I'm also mega excited about my placements this year. In my first year I felt very unlucky with my placements in the fact that it was an anti-climax into the nursing world, and my mentor was awful. But I'm glad I didn't give up, I definitely came close a few times. Now I am only 10 months away from being put on the register, which is a very scary thought. But, I'm looking forward to A&E, district nursing and an acute ward. I would also like to add here that not only have I got A&E as a placement but I also had ITU last year, which I'm incredibly lucky to have as I know a lot of student nurses who never get either. I've definitely got a tough and a brilliant year ahead of me. Now I've just got to keep my head down, focus and try to pass. 

Another Sh*t day...Literally

So, yesterday I was at work in my summer care home job. Thinking, yes what a lovely day. Half the residents have gone out, makes for an easy afternoon. 

But then, I found myself bending down on my knees, double gloved, with a pack of wipes thinking "what am I even doing here". 

I was cleaning poo from a elderly gentleman's balls. 

Just have that in your mind for a minute..

I often spend a lot of my time cleaning up other people's bodily fluids, either as a student nurse or as a care assistant. But for some reason this was different. I found myself questioning my sanity as I try very hard to get the poo out of the ball hair constantly saying "stand still" or "turn round" hoping the big blob of poo doesn't fall down into the nice clean pad onto or on the nice clean floor. 

Half an hour, a pack of wipes and half a pack of gloves later. I was done. Thank goodness, he was all clean. None of it was on the floor, in the pad or on me. 

Just a small insight into my afternoon at work. Please note, I am back again tomorrow. Hopefully not as pooey as last time. 

Hello August!

I can't actually believe that it is now August. August is one of my favourite months for a couple of reasons. Number 1, it is my birthday in August. And I'm not usually a fan of my own birthday and I don't really like things where people look at me, so opening presents is literally the worst. But I do enjoy my birthday. Mostly just because I love living, so getting older isn't really a bad thing. Especially since I'm still young, I'm only turning 20 this year. So I'm pretty excited about that.

Secondly, I finish the university year in August. So that's nice, to feel like I can finally relax. And even though I still work over the summer, it feels different. I just feel more relaxed, which doesn't really happen. So I'm pretty excited about that. 

Also, August is usually the time of the year where it's sunny. Being from South England this isn't always the case. But there is sometimes a day of the week that's beautiful and I always really appreciate those days because I absolutely love the warm weather. 

I'm just hoping that through August I can continue to feel happy and optimistic and just enjoy myself!! 

What makes a good mentor?

When on placement in the intensive care unit I had a really really good mentor. From the moment I met her I knew I would enjoy my placement. She was so bubbly and seemed genuinely happy and pleased to be my new mentor! I never felt like she was fed up of my questions no matter how silly or obvious they seemed!! She was one of those people who so clearly wanted me to succeed, and was so enthusiastic to teach me. She helped build my confidence in a way where she encouraged me to do things that I was uncomfortable with, or were out of my comfort zone, but she never pushed me to the point where I wanted to give. She made me feel as though I was learning made me feel like I could be a nurse and inspired me to be the best nurse that I could ever be. 

When it came to giving me independence she was brilliant. She was so so good at being there for me, but never making me feel like she was doing everything for me. I always felt supported, but not suffocated! She had just the right balance, and she was always on time with my paper work!! 

I haven't had her as a mentor for 3 weeks as I have been in a different placement, but I miss her all the time. I believe we became friends and I miss being around on the unit. Hopefully I can one day be as good as a mentor for someone else as she was for me. I will never forget her. 

Bye for now! xx 

My boyfriend's Graduation!!

Hi all, 

So last week on Thursday my boyfriend had his graduation for his Higher National Diploma in Film Making. As you can imagine I was mega excited, I couldn't wait to see him graduate and of course to dress up! It was a lovely day, the weather was beautiful and the cathedral was lovely. After the graduation Brett wanted to go back to his house, lounge around in the garden and order a pizza. So that's what we did. His sister and her Husband and 2 children came over and also Brett's brothers girlfriend and her son came over too. It was so much fun spending time in the garden with them all as I had been at university of 2 months prior without going home. So the day was very special for me, as it was for Brett. There may be some photo overload, but I just love all the photos! Enjoy! 

This was taken just before we got in the car to go to the graduation, before the hair was all frizzed from the humidity! 

Me and Brett being our silly selves!! 

We do love each other, I promise! 

After all these photo's were taken we went into the cathedral and sat down ready to watch him graduate! The ceremony went on for quite a while, about 2 hours. It was a lot to sit through just to watch him be called, go get his certificate and then sit back down. But it was worth it! Although, I must admit I did get a bit bored! 

I was much happier after the ceremony with my FREE, yes free, glass of wine.

The always funny trying the cap on! Suits me I think, can't wait for my graduation!

The throwing of the caps had to be done! 

This might be my favourite photo of the whole day!

All chilled back in his garden. Brett's mum bought him a graduation balloon, shaped like a guitar because Brett used to play the guitar all the time. 

Hopefully those photo's aren't too boring!! It was overall a brilliant day, I had such a nice time. Looking forward to doing it all again next year since he is staying on an extra year to complete the course to turn it into a degree!! 

Not enjoying placement?

At the moment I am doing my last placement of my second year, health visiting. This is quite an odd placement for me as I am training to be an adult nurse. I went into the placement thinking that it would be a good opportunity to learn how to support parents, as I have met many patients who are parents that need supporting and I have been at a loss at what to do. 

I feel as though I was completely wrong. Although health visitors do support parents and families, it is more child centred. The health visitors I am working with are highly involved with post-natal depression and child protection issues. Supporting mothers with post-natal depression really interests me, as this is something I may come across, however it is not always appropriate for me to attend these visits, meaning I miss out on some crucial learning. 

More so, child protection is something I need to be aware of, however I also cannot always be involved in that. So my question was then, what on earth can I get out of this placement? 

At first thought, I was really disheartened and I was thinking that the next 4 weeks were going to be a waste of my training. But then I got to thinking hard and I thought of a few things that I might get out of this placement. And I thought these may be useful to others who might be going through the same thing.

1. Communication. I feel as though this is the perfect opportunity to really focus on my communication skills, with both adults and children. Children can come onto adults wards to visit family members and it would be important as a nurse to be able to communicate with these children, in the hopes of making them feel more comfortable in the strange setting such as a hospital. Also, if I end up working in the community as a district nurse I may visit someone with a child and it would be useful to be able to communicate with the child as well as the patient I am visiting. 

2. Confidence. I used to be a very shy person, and at times I still can be shy. My last placement in the intensive care unit really brought me out of my shell and I feel as though I am 100% more confident than I was when I first started that placement. I really have come a long way, but since this placement is so much out of my comfort zone I feel as though this is a good time for me to really really push myself, talk to patients when I feel scared and really put myself out there. 

3. Visits. By visits I mean exploring what else is out there in the community. I have planned visits with the district nurses, community midwife, GP's, Nursery nurse practitioners, pharmacy and to a children's centre. I feel as though by doing this I can gain more of an insight into what's out there for people who are in the community, giving myself more of an advantage when I am asked for advice and when I meet people who need a service but didn't know it is out there. 

That's all I have planned as it's such a short placement. But I am going to try so hard to get the best out of it. I'll report back in 4 weeks!! 

Weekend in London

So this weekend I went up to London to see my dad. It was soo lovely! I don't see my dad and little brother very often so I had a brilliant time spending time with them!
We had a lovely lunch in a lovely little pub, which is forgot to take a photo of :(, went for a lovely walk around a park and just chilled! It was lovely!

The next day we then went to the Herne Hill Market and it was lovely, we got some nice things for lunch and a nice coffee and then walked around Dulwich Park with my dad and brother. It was nice, the sun was shining and it lifted my spirits!!

Hopefully the weather stays nice for a while, I'm definitely more of a summer person! I really love the sun and the summer and the warmer months!

x

ITU Placement!

Hi!
So at the moment as part of my nursing course I am on week 7 of my 10 week intensive care unit placement. It's safe to say that I'm loving life! I'll be honest, at first I really didn't like it. I thought it was going to be totally different.
When I first started I was terrified, you walk in and see all these incredibly sick people. They loo delicate, soft and peaceful, but are critically ill. At first it's very overwhelming, there's so much to learn and remember, I was so scared and overwhelmed all the time.
Then, on the last day of my third week (I was just about to go home for Christmas) the sister pulls me into her office and says she's been told that I'm not enthusiastic enough. I was heartbroken because I'd been trying really hard to learn and to be engaged with these patients that I was terrified of. I went on my lunch break and cried. I was totally crushed. I then spoke to the nurse in the hospital who looks after all the students who made me feel so much better. She reminded me that it as only my third week and I was only at the beginning of my second year. She reminded me that it's scary and that it's okay to be scared. She gave me a boost in confidence that I definitely needed.

I then came back 3 months later ready for the remaining 7 weeks of my placement. I felt refreshed and excited, I knew what to expect and I had much more knowledge than I did previously. I was feeling confident about going back. And that nurse was right. I am now nearing the end of my second year, I know much more and felt much more comfortable engaging with these patients.

And yesterday I had a massive breakthrough, in my opinion. I saw a cardiac arrest, put in my first catheter, saw my first intubation (which I assisted with), helped with the transfer of a patient from A&E to ITU and I held someone's airway open for half an hour. Now, if anyone reading this is a student nurse, I can imagine you're excited with me. It was amazing. I had such an amazing day, I felt very confident the whole day and I felt in control. And to make it better, my mentor came on that night and told me about all the good feedback she'd had about me that day. She told me how incredibly proud of me she was and it really made me feel good. I have a brilliant mentor who has really given me the confidence I've needed, always making me feel like I've had a done a good job and always encouraging me to do better. She always makes me feel smart, even when I don't know the answer. And to make it better, she's an incredible nurse who I aspire to be like. Her patient care is golden and she really does care about my education and about the patients she is looking after. Always going the extra mile to make them comfortable, happy and making sure they feel safe. She's one of a kind.


I'm now looking forward to last 3 weeks of my placement, but also feeling sad that it's coming to an end. I really love it there, I might have finally found the place I want to work. I feel like I belong there, feeling an instinct when I walk onto the unit. I'm just loving life and I'm really feeling like I can do this. I can be a nurse. I am good enough and smart enough.

Hopefully others feel the same about their placements. Just remember, that even though sometimes things happen that break us, we can be put back together.

x

Life

Overall I feel as though I'm slightly struggling with life at the moment. I'm revising for an exam that I have in July, whilst also working full time on my nursing placement and also trying to work a little on the side for some extra money. So it's stressful at the moment, and I don't know when I'm next going home. But until then I'm using youtube and facebook and memories to cheer me up!
So here, have a few of my memories :)

This is my nephew about 5 months ago, my knight in shining armour! 

Yes, that's a St.Bernard eating a carrot... 

Probably my favourite photo of me and my boyfriend 

Mothers day this year, slightly excited to be spending the evening with my mum! 

Yep, I'm in a cupboard 

Woohoo Portobello Road!! 

Lots of love

Hannah x 

Life at the moment

Hi! 
Just thought I would do a little bit about life at the moment. I've only got one week left at university before breaking up for the easter holidays. This means stress. I've got four assignments due in during my easter holidays and only about 3-4 weeks left to do them! Luckily I have done one of them, so points to me yay! But unfortunately that means 3 left. So I need to get my bum in gear and get to work! 
Tomorrow will be nice, going to spend the evening with my friends with a few drinks, which we haven't done for a while since we've all been so busy. But it will definitely be nice, espeically with my anxiety I had last week and depression I've been having. So I'm looking forward to that. 
Then at the weekend it will be acceptable to pack, which is exciting for me as it makes me get ready to go home and it means that home is in sight. I love being at home, I really am a family orientated person, so I'm lucky I've got such amazing family who are so supportive. 
I'm going to a wedding in a couple of weeks, so I'll post pictures of that when I can. And I also have my sisters engagement party to look forward to as well. I will also post pictures of that! 
I've got a really busy easter too, with assignments to do, the wedding and the engagement party I also have a few bank shifts booked over easter. But I'm lucky because I really like the place that I work at when I'm home, I love all the residents and most of the staff members. I'm lucky that I enjoy going to work. Must mean I'm made to be a nurse and work in healthcare which is promising!
But anyway, just a quick update! 
Bye! 

Youtube: Dear me.

So this is going along with the thing youtube is doing at the moment. If you don't know, it's where youtubers are making videos addressing their younger self. So I thought I would do it in a blog post. Here goes!

Me: About 7 years old! CUTE!

Dear younger Hannah,
Hi! Firstly I want to say, well done. You've gotten so much farther in your life than anyone ever expected and I'm proud. I just want to say, don't listen to the people who put you down. Not everyone can like you and that's okay. Be true to yourself, you don't need to be like everyone else. It's okay to be silly and funny and kinda crazy, that's who you are!
Spend time with your family, they will always be there for you and will always support you. Spend time with them, even if it's just eating dinner or watching a film. You won't regret it.
Don't overpluck! Eyebrows don't grow fast enough when you've overplucked, get them done somewhere or watch a youtube video or something. DO NOT OVERPLUCK!

Prime example of overplucking... aged 16 

Don't grow up too fast, you'll get there. And when you're there, you'll want to be young again. So just live in the moment, soak it all in. Make sure to always live in the present no matter how old you are.
Remember the little things, you won't forget the big things, so try remember the little things. I wish I started a scrapbook early in my life so that I wouldn't forget the little things, they're important!
Lastly, wear whatever you want. You don't have to fit in, it's the things that make you different that make you special and loveable. You don't have to wear that top just because it's 'cool' or wear those jeans just because someone else did. Be you, wear what you want and don't worry!
Take care!
Love, older Hannah x x

Me! Currently my old and wise self! 

My weight loss/eating disorder/depression and anxiety journey

So, I'll start from the beginning. When I was about 11 I remember feeling awful about my body and myself. I remember wearing a swimming costume, and feel absolutely awful. I felt fat, chubby and just generally horrible. This is when I think my eating disorder started. 

When I was about 13 I remember burning myself with the hair dryer. I felt generally awful about life and wanted to feel pain to take me away from feeling this awful. This is where my depression started. 

When I was also about 13, I remember feeling very anxious about different things. I didn't want to ask people for things, I was anxious about school and was anxious about myself. I remember talking to people and being absolutely sure they hated me. I had my group of friends, and at this time in my life I was very settled in my friendship group, however I was absolutely sure they all hated me and were only friends with me because they felt sorry for me. 

So I was very young when I started having all these dark feelings. It wasn't until I was 16 when they got out of hand. When I was in year 11 I had a really hard time at school. I was bullied quite badly which ruined my last year at school. I remember feeling helpless, embarrassed, scared and just distraught. I hated going to school, but it being the last few months my mum made me go. Which I'm glad she did, otherwise I wouldn't have succeeded as well as I did. I felt very isolated, I used to sit alone in the toilets during lunch, would have no one to sit with in lessons and was just completely ready to end my life. I was completely done. I stopped eating, stopped drinking as much and wanted to sleep all the time. I was done. My mum noticed this and then realised how bad the bullying was, which is when she contacted the school. Long story short, my school were very unhelpful and I just had to ride it out. In my last month of school I became friends with a very nice boy who became my best friend. Through him I met my current boyfriend who has honestly been a god send and has put up with more than his fair share with me. From this new friendship and relationship I felt like I was being accepted again, like it was maybe going to be alright.  But anyway, that friendship ended, which took me back to depression. My poor boyfriend was very supportive and going through depression himself, well, you can probably guess that when we spent time together it wasn't very happy. I then turned to self harm and controlling what I ate, or lack thereof. Which started me on a path that went on for about 2 years. I stopped self harming, but I wouldn't say I'm completely cured. Which brings me on to my eating disorder. 

When I started controlling the food part of my life I just tried to not eat. I didn't want to eat anything. This came from the lack of control in my life as whilst this was happening my granddad had just died, which was sudden. Eating disorders are usually triggered by something big, and loosing a best friend and my granddad was big for me. My boyfriend became quite worried and I became quite deceiving. Long story short I was very naughty with my eating. However, I never actually lost any weight, in my eyes anyway. Since what comes with an eating disorder is body dysmorphia. This is when you see yourself differently to how you actually are. So I was seeing myself as large, as previously mentioned above, however this was not the case. 

So, with the eating disorder handled (not cured I should add) I still suffer with body dysmorphia. 

Which brings me on to my weight loss journey. 

My mum has been loosing weight with weight watchers for about 4-5 years, but about 6 months ago I decided that I was going to try the filling and healthy style of the weight watchers diet in an attempt to become healthy in my mind and my body. This is great and I love it. With this I have lost about half a stone and am now a size 8. Of course I still feel overweight and can't quite believe that I am actually a size 8. But that's that. 

Lastly, my anxiety is something that I am still suffering with. I quite often feel anxious about different things, such as who I'm going to checkout with in tescos, to just being at university and sitting in the lecture hall. I also get quite socially anxious and paranoid, often feeling like my friends hate me or are only pretending to be my friend. But I'll get the eventually. 

I realise that I have rambled on, but it kind of all just spilled out and I just wanted to put something out there. I realise that I am not a perfect example and I am by no means completely cured and I do not claim to know everything about mental illness. 

But yeah, that's that!!

Speak soon! 

Staying sane whilst studying..

Hi! I'm writing this and it is currently 1am... So it's a "I can't sleep" blog post. I have recently been so stressed with uni, work and family life and it got me thinking, am I actually going to be emotionally stable after this degree?
I have before struggled with depression, so this is a worrying thought for me. At my university there isn't much support for us students with regards to the workload. I am continuously told that I chose to undertake a university course, and I don't actually need to work .Which is true. But that doesn't make it any easier. It's really hard, which I hope will get easier, I'm sure that it will, surely it will get easier.
I think the most important thing to keep in mind whilst studying and trying to keep emotional well being is that it will end. You won't be studying forever. Education is such a short amount of your life, and there is so much more to come. Don't try to achieve everything in your younger years, you'll be around for a while so try to keep some goals open!
Another thing is that friends and family are so important. I promise they will keep you sane. The amount of times I have rung home crying, having a breakdown or an anxiety attack over uni is uncountable. But my parents have always been there for me. And have always encouraged me to keep at it, after all this has been my dream since I was young.
And as for friends, try to have friends that are doing the same course as you. They know what you're going through! I have been with friends, crying over things I've seen at placement, worried about coursework. And they've known. They know what you're talking about. Whereas your friends who aren't doing the same course, or who aren't in the same position as you may not understand quite as well.
Just a few things!
Stay tuned!!

New years resolutions!

Hi all,
I know it's two weeks into 2015 but yes I am still going to do this post. New years resolutions. Everyone has them, but 2 weeks in, are we all still sicking to them? I'm struggling with mine. I wanted to lose weight and also I wanted to stop biting my nails.
Since I don't have any scales at uni, I have to wait until I go home until I weight myself. But the biting my nails one, I can monitor at uni.
And I am pleased to say that I haven't bitten my nails for 2 weeks!! This is a big accomplishment for me, I have been an avid nail biter for as a long as I can remember, which is about 16/17 years. I struggled to break the habit at first, but now that my nails are growing and I have been able to paint them, I'm finding it easier.
Eating wise, well it's hard. I'm trying to stick to the diet that I'm doing, and I'm struggling. It's hard at uni when all my friends can eat pizza and chocolate as much as they want because they have super fast metabolisms and I can't. But I'm trying. And doing well.
Anyway, that was just a little update!
See you soon!

Christmas 2014 and the new year!

Hi everyone!
So Christmas 2014 was a pretty good one for me. I was able to spend time with my family and my boyfriend. I was also really lucky to see my uncle who had come over from American, I hadn't seen him for around 8 years. So that was very exciting.
New years however was slightly different. I spent it with family, however I was working the next day. So I didn't stay up to see the new year in. But never mind.
So now that I'm back at university, it's time to get working. only 1 year and 6 months now until I finish my course and I know that time will go quick. Which is even more scary to think about. It now means that I've got to start saving to learn to drive and to get a flat when I finish university. Great. Things are getting serious!

That's all for now, stay tuned!
Bye!