When I was about 13 I remember burning myself with the hair dryer. I felt generally awful about life and wanted to feel pain to take me away from feeling this awful. This is where my depression started.
When I was also about 13, I remember feeling very anxious about different things. I didn't want to ask people for things, I was anxious about school and was anxious about myself. I remember talking to people and being absolutely sure they hated me. I had my group of friends, and at this time in my life I was very settled in my friendship group, however I was absolutely sure they all hated me and were only friends with me because they felt sorry for me.
So I was very young when I started having all these dark feelings. It wasn't until I was 16 when they got out of hand. When I was in year 11 I had a really hard time at school. I was bullied quite badly which ruined my last year at school. I remember feeling helpless, embarrassed, scared and just distraught. I hated going to school, but it being the last few months my mum made me go. Which I'm glad she did, otherwise I wouldn't have succeeded as well as I did. I felt very isolated, I used to sit alone in the toilets during lunch, would have no one to sit with in lessons and was just completely ready to end my life. I was completely done. I stopped eating, stopped drinking as much and wanted to sleep all the time. I was done. My mum noticed this and then realised how bad the bullying was, which is when she contacted the school. Long story short, my school were very unhelpful and I just had to ride it out. In my last month of school I became friends with a very nice boy who became my best friend. Through him I met my current boyfriend who has honestly been a god send and has put up with more than his fair share with me. From this new friendship and relationship I felt like I was being accepted again, like it was maybe going to be alright. But anyway, that friendship ended, which took me back to depression. My poor boyfriend was very supportive and going through depression himself, well, you can probably guess that when we spent time together it wasn't very happy. I then turned to self harm and controlling what I ate, or lack thereof. Which started me on a path that went on for about 2 years. I stopped self harming, but I wouldn't say I'm completely cured. Which brings me on to my eating disorder.
When I started controlling the food part of my life I just tried to not eat. I didn't want to eat anything. This came from the lack of control in my life as whilst this was happening my granddad had just died, which was sudden. Eating disorders are usually triggered by something big, and loosing a best friend and my granddad was big for me. My boyfriend became quite worried and I became quite deceiving. Long story short I was very naughty with my eating. However, I never actually lost any weight, in my eyes anyway. Since what comes with an eating disorder is body dysmorphia. This is when you see yourself differently to how you actually are. So I was seeing myself as large, as previously mentioned above, however this was not the case.
So, with the eating disorder handled (not cured I should add) I still suffer with body dysmorphia.
Which brings me on to my weight loss journey.
My mum has been loosing weight with weight watchers for about 4-5 years, but about 6 months ago I decided that I was going to try the filling and healthy style of the weight watchers diet in an attempt to become healthy in my mind and my body. This is great and I love it. With this I have lost about half a stone and am now a size 8. Of course I still feel overweight and can't quite believe that I am actually a size 8. But that's that.
Lastly, my anxiety is something that I am still suffering with. I quite often feel anxious about different things, such as who I'm going to checkout with in tescos, to just being at university and sitting in the lecture hall. I also get quite socially anxious and paranoid, often feeling like my friends hate me or are only pretending to be my friend. But I'll get the eventually.
I realise that I have rambled on, but it kind of all just spilled out and I just wanted to put something out there. I realise that I am not a perfect example and I am by no means completely cured and I do not claim to know everything about mental illness.
But yeah, that's that!!
Speak soon!
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