Life at the moment

Hi! 
Just thought I would do a little bit about life at the moment. I've only got one week left at university before breaking up for the easter holidays. This means stress. I've got four assignments due in during my easter holidays and only about 3-4 weeks left to do them! Luckily I have done one of them, so points to me yay! But unfortunately that means 3 left. So I need to get my bum in gear and get to work! 
Tomorrow will be nice, going to spend the evening with my friends with a few drinks, which we haven't done for a while since we've all been so busy. But it will definitely be nice, espeically with my anxiety I had last week and depression I've been having. So I'm looking forward to that. 
Then at the weekend it will be acceptable to pack, which is exciting for me as it makes me get ready to go home and it means that home is in sight. I love being at home, I really am a family orientated person, so I'm lucky I've got such amazing family who are so supportive. 
I'm going to a wedding in a couple of weeks, so I'll post pictures of that when I can. And I also have my sisters engagement party to look forward to as well. I will also post pictures of that! 
I've got a really busy easter too, with assignments to do, the wedding and the engagement party I also have a few bank shifts booked over easter. But I'm lucky because I really like the place that I work at when I'm home, I love all the residents and most of the staff members. I'm lucky that I enjoy going to work. Must mean I'm made to be a nurse and work in healthcare which is promising!
But anyway, just a quick update! 
Bye! 

Youtube: Dear me.

So this is going along with the thing youtube is doing at the moment. If you don't know, it's where youtubers are making videos addressing their younger self. So I thought I would do it in a blog post. Here goes!

Me: About 7 years old! CUTE!

Dear younger Hannah,
Hi! Firstly I want to say, well done. You've gotten so much farther in your life than anyone ever expected and I'm proud. I just want to say, don't listen to the people who put you down. Not everyone can like you and that's okay. Be true to yourself, you don't need to be like everyone else. It's okay to be silly and funny and kinda crazy, that's who you are!
Spend time with your family, they will always be there for you and will always support you. Spend time with them, even if it's just eating dinner or watching a film. You won't regret it.
Don't overpluck! Eyebrows don't grow fast enough when you've overplucked, get them done somewhere or watch a youtube video or something. DO NOT OVERPLUCK!

Prime example of overplucking... aged 16 

Don't grow up too fast, you'll get there. And when you're there, you'll want to be young again. So just live in the moment, soak it all in. Make sure to always live in the present no matter how old you are.
Remember the little things, you won't forget the big things, so try remember the little things. I wish I started a scrapbook early in my life so that I wouldn't forget the little things, they're important!
Lastly, wear whatever you want. You don't have to fit in, it's the things that make you different that make you special and loveable. You don't have to wear that top just because it's 'cool' or wear those jeans just because someone else did. Be you, wear what you want and don't worry!
Take care!
Love, older Hannah x x

Me! Currently my old and wise self! 

My weight loss/eating disorder/depression and anxiety journey

So, I'll start from the beginning. When I was about 11 I remember feeling awful about my body and myself. I remember wearing a swimming costume, and feel absolutely awful. I felt fat, chubby and just generally horrible. This is when I think my eating disorder started. 

When I was about 13 I remember burning myself with the hair dryer. I felt generally awful about life and wanted to feel pain to take me away from feeling this awful. This is where my depression started. 

When I was also about 13, I remember feeling very anxious about different things. I didn't want to ask people for things, I was anxious about school and was anxious about myself. I remember talking to people and being absolutely sure they hated me. I had my group of friends, and at this time in my life I was very settled in my friendship group, however I was absolutely sure they all hated me and were only friends with me because they felt sorry for me. 

So I was very young when I started having all these dark feelings. It wasn't until I was 16 when they got out of hand. When I was in year 11 I had a really hard time at school. I was bullied quite badly which ruined my last year at school. I remember feeling helpless, embarrassed, scared and just distraught. I hated going to school, but it being the last few months my mum made me go. Which I'm glad she did, otherwise I wouldn't have succeeded as well as I did. I felt very isolated, I used to sit alone in the toilets during lunch, would have no one to sit with in lessons and was just completely ready to end my life. I was completely done. I stopped eating, stopped drinking as much and wanted to sleep all the time. I was done. My mum noticed this and then realised how bad the bullying was, which is when she contacted the school. Long story short, my school were very unhelpful and I just had to ride it out. In my last month of school I became friends with a very nice boy who became my best friend. Through him I met my current boyfriend who has honestly been a god send and has put up with more than his fair share with me. From this new friendship and relationship I felt like I was being accepted again, like it was maybe going to be alright.  But anyway, that friendship ended, which took me back to depression. My poor boyfriend was very supportive and going through depression himself, well, you can probably guess that when we spent time together it wasn't very happy. I then turned to self harm and controlling what I ate, or lack thereof. Which started me on a path that went on for about 2 years. I stopped self harming, but I wouldn't say I'm completely cured. Which brings me on to my eating disorder. 

When I started controlling the food part of my life I just tried to not eat. I didn't want to eat anything. This came from the lack of control in my life as whilst this was happening my granddad had just died, which was sudden. Eating disorders are usually triggered by something big, and loosing a best friend and my granddad was big for me. My boyfriend became quite worried and I became quite deceiving. Long story short I was very naughty with my eating. However, I never actually lost any weight, in my eyes anyway. Since what comes with an eating disorder is body dysmorphia. This is when you see yourself differently to how you actually are. So I was seeing myself as large, as previously mentioned above, however this was not the case. 

So, with the eating disorder handled (not cured I should add) I still suffer with body dysmorphia. 

Which brings me on to my weight loss journey. 

My mum has been loosing weight with weight watchers for about 4-5 years, but about 6 months ago I decided that I was going to try the filling and healthy style of the weight watchers diet in an attempt to become healthy in my mind and my body. This is great and I love it. With this I have lost about half a stone and am now a size 8. Of course I still feel overweight and can't quite believe that I am actually a size 8. But that's that. 

Lastly, my anxiety is something that I am still suffering with. I quite often feel anxious about different things, such as who I'm going to checkout with in tescos, to just being at university and sitting in the lecture hall. I also get quite socially anxious and paranoid, often feeling like my friends hate me or are only pretending to be my friend. But I'll get the eventually. 

I realise that I have rambled on, but it kind of all just spilled out and I just wanted to put something out there. I realise that I am not a perfect example and I am by no means completely cured and I do not claim to know everything about mental illness. 

But yeah, that's that!!

Speak soon!